This is a beautiful ‘win’ sharing from a Member in the Self Intelligence Community...
Kate is pregnant for the first time, and as you may be aware, entering into parenthood can be terrifying for so many reasons.
And more often than not, the ‘fear’ that lies under the radar, manifests in seemingly trivial situations that over time snowball into bigger and bigger problems, particularly in intimate relationships.
Let’s see if you can relate to this situation…?
Kate and her partner (the father) were at a BBQ having a lovely time. Then at some point during the evening Kate felt it was time to go home.
However, the partner didn’t feel ready to leave at all. He wanted to stay and enjoy more time with his friends.
Initially, Kate felt okay about this and didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. So, she suggested he stay and she would meet him back at home.
Not soon after she left the BBQ a very heavy and dark feeling started brewing inside her. Negative emotions started swirling, doubts about the relationship, fears about the future, anger, and resentment came in like a destructive storm.
Kate was TRIGGERED. Big time!
However, instead of reacting and projecting all these horrible feelings, she did what a self intelligent person does – she did a Trigger Enquiry Process.
The purpose of trigger enquiry is to ‘identify’ and ‘release’ specific thoughts, perceptions and beliefs that cause the internal reactions.
This is a skill that Kate has become very good at to ensure her life doesn’t end up collapsing in a pit of drama.
The first couple of questions in the Trigger Enquiry Process revealed her childhood conditioning. Kate could see her parents fighting over this kind of thing and she could clearly see how she was re-living her past in that moment.
The next couple of questions in the Trigger Enquiry Process revealed a relatively simple thought that lead to unbearable future projections.
The thought was simply this… “He ‘should’ want to come home with me”.
That was it, “He should want to come home with me”.
Believing this thought was just the start of the storm. The destructive winds and golf ball-sized hail came with the thoughts about what it meant that he didn’t want to come home with her.
This is what her Ego came up with…
“I’m going to have to raise this baby all alone”
“It’s not fair that I have sacrificed my life while he can do whatever he wants”
“I’m going miss out on having fun for the rest of my life”
“We are going to fight like my parents”
“We will end up hating each other, and feel overburdened by responsibilities”
Now those are some disturbing thoughts.
For most people, these thoughts are barely noticed. Instead, what is noticed are the horrible feelings swirling around the body.
When you don’t have the skills and habits to clean up your internal state, what happens is the feelings either get suppressed (in an attempt to keep the peace) or the feelings get projected with accusations and blame (resulting in defensiveness and fighting).
And whether you suppress or project your reaction the outcome will manifest in some form of drama, disharmony and suffering – it’s unavoidable.
But this is the WIN….
Kate didn’t suppress or project. She released.
She applied specific processes to release the cause of the storm whirling inside her.
Kate’s partner came home to a loving respectful human being. Not a shit storm.
And, he said without her asking or probing, that he wanted to come home sooner to spend more time with her. No guilt trips needed. No defensiveness. No blame. No hidden resentment. No games.
Kate created a safe space for herself and her partner to fall more deeply in love with each other. This is what we all want but continually get tripped up trying to control what others ‘should’ do and want, resulting in toxic reactions that erode love and connection in relationships.
I loved hearing about this win. It’s a good sign that if we are willing to do the ‘inner’ work, we can experience the love and connection our heart’s desire.
If you would like to know more about how you can develop Self Intelligence, take a look at the Self Intelligence Course.