Have you noticed the word ‘deserve’ getting used more and more? Particularly in the self-help, personal empowerment, trauma-informed, coaching and spiritual arenas.
You deserve to be happy
You deserve to be acknowledged
You didn’t deserve to be treated that way
You deserve a better partner, job, house, sister, lover… (insert your own)
All the while our mind is also saying,
You don’t deserve rest
You don’t deserve to celebrate
You don’t deserve to be happy
You deserve to fail, be unloved, ignored, lonely… (insert your own)
Both sides of the coin are generated by the Ego. That includes all the nice positive stuff you believe you deserve and all the negative stuff you don’t believe you deserve.
It’s all Ego my friends, and here’s why.
The word deserve…
(which is listed in the Empowered Dialogue module of the 12 Week Self Intelligence Course)
…is rooted in judgements of right and wrong and outright delusion (meaning, not real or based in reality). The judgement is picked up in the word ‘should’.
“I have worked overtime for the past 12 years”, I deserve (or I should get) acknowledgement, a raise, or special treatment – basically whatever your mind MAKES UP at the time.
“I’ve been so caught up in my studies I forgot to wish my friend happy birthday again! I don’t deserve to have friends when I treat them this way” (or, I shouldn’t have forgotten).
This thought will often stand up even when a friend tells you not to worry about it. And instead of listening to them, we often continue to beat ourselves up. The point is – YOU ARE MAKING UP THE RULES OF WHAT YOU DESERVE, not them, not some god figure in the sky, or anyone else.
Even when someone (or society) imposes those rules on you, you are the one who unconsciously believes them.
From one day to the next, your mind is throwing up thoughts about what you deserve that has nothing to do with reality.
If you treat people like rubbish and they stop calling or spending time with you – it’s not because you deserve it, it’s because they don’t want to be treated like rubbish.
If you treat people respectfully and with love, more often than not, people will respond to you in very positive ways – not because you deserve it but because they naturally want to share their life with loving people.
But some people, no matter how well you treat them, won’t reciprocate that love.
The boss won’t give you that promotion
The partner won’t text you back in 5mins
The judge won’t rule in your favour
The weather won’t be great on your wedding day
This is often when the Ego claims to ‘deserve it’.
“I have been such a ‘good person’ and I have done all the ‘right things’,
I deserve better!”
Is that true? Beyond the thoughts in your mind and what you have been conditioned to believe – is it true?
If reality is the truth, then of course not.
Reality supersedes what you believe you deserve, or not deserve, every time.
Suffering is caused by denying reality over what you believe reality should be.
Therefore what seems to be positive, uplifting, self-empowered sentiments spoken by many in the self-help and improvement worlds, these delusions are in fact generating more suffering, unhappiness and denial for people.
The word deserve is nothing more than a feel-good buzzword that only causes more pain – and you don’t deserve that (hehe just kidding).
And I want to make it clear. This is not a conscious thing. No one is trying to hurt you. It is innocent and at the same time, ignorant of reality.
For those who are sincere about uprooting the true causes of suffering, it’s time to wake up and see the true nature of what we are thinking, which includes what we believe we deserve.
Having a good foundational understanding of the words we use is critical when doing the real work to resolve the drama and suffering in our lives. This is the purpose of Self Intelligence.